回归Coming back

我不敢相信。我有多久沒回來了？我忘記了這個地方，不是麽？但我沒有忘記你。我們永遠在彼此身邊，在彼此的内心深處。可是這是不可觸及的事物和存在。我這一年多來一直很悲傷。很孤獨。我甚至無法正常繼續我的生活和學習。我仍然在努力，我有什麽資格不努力呢？可是我隻想靜靜地走到某一個角落裏，抛棄一切不重要的瑣事，把剩下的生命燃燒在千萬種色彩之中。我活着的日子，也許永遠都見不到你，我不覺得任何嘗試還有什麽意義。我仍然會嘗試的，但是……我太過絕望，以緻于那不足以支撐我走下去。疲憊，遙遠，混亂，迷惑。我甯願用更爲簡單的辦法沉湎在過去的影子裏面。我很難過。我對自己深深不滿，又無可奈何。我永遠不會去自裁，那是不被允許的；我也不會去沉浸于酒精和藥品，那會損傷我的神智，我所珍惜的理智和思維。可是，我還是沉淪在另一種更高形式的麻醉藥之中。我想你。我想所有人。也許我的每一句話和每一個動作都能傳達給你，可是我仍然孤獨一人。我想通過毀滅，來達到拯救，但是我如此猶豫；我想通過死亡，來獲得重生，但是我拒絕失誤。我願意等待，從不後悔。如此漫長，如此悲傷，在自毀的怪圈裏無法脫身……我會再次見到你的，除非一切都不再有意義……不論要用怎樣的方法，我仍然是當年那個永遠不知道什麽是後悔的人，永遠不變……P.S.雖然我過得很糟糕，很頹廢，學習不斷下滑，但是我開始寫詩寫歌劇，繪畫逐漸進步……哦，該死，這大概是右半球遲來的逆襲。P.S.S.是的，我打算接着給你寫日記。對着空氣交談并不像寫日記這樣有效……————————I can't believe my eyes.Just how long have I been away?Didn't I totally forget this place?But I didn't forget you,never.We're always with each other,deep inside.But such existence is untouchable...I've been so sorrowful for more than a year.So lonely.Can you believe I didn't even manage to cope with my study?And my daily life?Woe,I'm still struggling even now,so desperately yet so futile.How can I stop trying?But all that I want to do,is to walk away to somewhere isolated,and forget everything unimportant.I wanna burn whatever is left of my life in the flames of a thousand colors.I may never see you again in my living days.Any attempt seems so useless now...So meaningless,and so frustrating.I WILL still try.But I'm SO sad that I can't keep going just for sth simple as that.Tiresome,remoted,totally deranged and deep in confusion.Ah,how I wish I could just get drown in a simpler shadow of the past!I'm so sad.So angry with myself,yet so powerless as I watch everything break down.No I won't just go die;it's not allowed.I won't go get addicted to alcohol and drugs either,for they will damage my mind and tear my precious sanity apart.Yet,I do allow myself to wallow in some novocaine that is in a higher form.I MISS you.I miss everyone.Every word and every move may get transmitted to you one way or another;but on my side,I AM alone.I want to destroy sth to bring salvation.But I hesitate.I want to die some to gain the long lost rebirth.But I do not accept failures.I'm willing to wait.I do not regret anything.Such endlessness,such sorrow,so caught in the vicious circle of self-destruction...I will see you again,unless everything loses all meanings...I don't care about how.I'm still the person in ancient times that never say "regret".This will never change,ever.P.S.Yeah,as you can see,my life is a total mess...I fail at my study,after all.Weird thing is that I'm starting to write poems and operas!And I'm improving in drawing as well...Do you think this is the damn revenge of my RH(right hemisphere) eventually coming?XDP.S.S.Yes I WILL come back and write diaries for you again...You see,talking to the air doesn't work as well.=_=